~LuLuH~

19 April 2009

Dunia ni mmg kejam…should I blame the world when a girl hurts me?? or is it just my fate?? aku cuba nak menyayangi and ingin di sayangi…tapi aku sgt sengsara sbb cinta….huh…I guess life is never fair to me…and I do believe what goes around comes around…mungkin ini lah balasan yg aku rasa sbb buat ex aku dulu…tp aku x rase yg ex aku suffer cam aku skang ni..Dulu die orait je..sehari dua da bley gelak2…tp aku dah 3 hari xley tido… jadual mkn pon x betul…asyik mengelamun…tetibe nangis without reason…apelah da jadi kat aku ni?? Aku x penah sengsara camni sbb cinta…skang ni aku admit yg memang buku dah bertemu dgn ruas…


But slowly I begin to recover.. aku mula belajar dr kesilapan…I don’t have the guts to blame her 100% for what happen.. the reason for all this crap is she just wants attention.. maybe sbb dulu mase aku keje insurance aku sgt bz dan x ambik tau pon die mkn ke x, die pegi klas ke x…balik keje je kitorg pi dinner and I went straight to bed…mandi pon x..that’s why she gets back to her ex..but she did admit that she has cross the limit and she is so sorry for that…I took about 2 days to think about this matter..should I gave her another chance?? She begs me every single minutes for another chance..she keeps telling me she regrets doing that..huh..its hard for me to make a decision..


I went to a friend’s place to relax..as I want someone to talk to…who can listen what I feel..who can help me make my decision..she keeps on following me wherever I go and refuse to let me go back to my family…die takut aku xkan balik jumpe die lagi.. aku x pernah rase mcm ni…Luluh sgt..semua impian aku dgn die berkecai..dah xde pape, bisik hati ni..tp aku sgt syg die sampai aku xsanggup nak tinggalkan die terkontang kanting sorg2..the first day we had a fight, she sits in a corner in the room without any clothes on, crying…that time I was thinking..if I leave her now, what will happen to her?? She has exam the next day..so aku tekad untuk pujuk die so that die pegi exam..aku x nak study die terganggu lagi..after exam baru la aku interrogate die..aku admit yg aku mmg ngamuk gile2 that day..mmg aku x penah ngamuk camtu pon…tiap kali die sentuh aku, aku maki hamun sepak terajang sume ade…aku sangat marah…aku x percaya org yg paling aku trust sanggup buat aku camtu..


Aku betul2 nekad nak tinggalkan die..tapi aku xnak buat keputusan terburu2..aku xnak die jadi cam mira..masuk wad gila sebab aku nak tinggalkan die…aku xnak benda tu berulang kembali…sbb penyesalan tu aku akan rase seumur hidup..I told myself..Kama, whether u like it or not, u have to face this like an adult.. For god sake, pls show her that u are strong…


The second night we fight, aku overnight kat rumah member yg mmg aku dah anggap mcm kakak aku…setiap kali ada masalah aku mmg cari dorg..that night, aku x bole tdo..i watch her sleep..wah!!!siap berdengkur lg…kesian kat die…seharian menangis..(ko buat dosa kat aku pon aku bole rase kesian lagi…ade ke org camni hah??) aku ni plak yg x bole tdo…huh..aku tgk je die..aku ckp kat diri aku kalo hari ni hari last ko tdo dgn die, baik ko tatap die puas2..malam tu sume kenangan indah aku dan die datang balik bermain2 kat pale otak aku ni..indahnye saat bahagia bersama mu..tp kenape saat derita ni jgk yg paling berbekas kat hati ni..aku berfikir sampai kul 7pagi…aku fikir ape aku nak buat…ape akan jadi kat aku and die kalo aku tinggalkan die..arghhhhh….seksanye!!


Die bgn dalam kul 10,then ajak aku tgk tv..die tgk mata aku bengkak and she ask me did u sleep last nite?? I said..No..she cried and beg me to try to sleep..die amik bantal and letak atas lap die, then pull me to sleep on her lap..bile aku baring aku nampak muke die x mcm selalu…muke die sgt kusam..penuh dgn kerisauan..die risau aku x tdo….die risau kalo aku tinggalkan die..aku cuba utk tdo supaya die x risau…aku pejam mata..mungkin die perasan aku cuba nak tdo tp xboleh..so die tanye aku nak mkn x…aku ckp xnak…die bangun and trus pi dapur…a few minutes later, she came with a glass of MILO…favorite aku tuh…xbole tolak!!!!


Then, aku baring balik on her lap…and fall asleep..mase tido tu aku terkejut2 sbb aku cam mimpi die tarik2 tgn aku…mmg aku x tdo nyenyak…tension btol..tapi setiap kali aku tersedar, die x penah xde disisi aku….kenape la ko layan aku baik plak time aku dah give up ngan ko huh???


That evening…aku tgk die dah kemas2 beg nak balik…Die nak pi BTN kat Langkawi and nak bertolak that night at 10pm..aku pon hangin la…ko nak tinggal aku dlm keadaan sengsara camni??aku pon kemas la jgk nak ikot die balik…aku nak dekat dgn die…biar die tgk betapa sengsara nye aku..biar die menyesal buat aku mcm ni…aku ckp kat die if u still want me to love you, don’t go anywhere…help me to recover..stay near to me..comfort me when I cry…pls I need you…


So die pon x pegi la BTN..and I really appreciate that..that night we had a conversation about our problem…I told her that I still love her but I cannot ‘swallow’ all the shit that she has gave to me..I want this relationship to end..i cant stand it anymore…after all that we’ve been through, this is what she did to repay me!!! She cried…and said she is sorry and promise not to do it again…tp entah dah berape kali die ckp camtu..aku pon dah naik muak nak denga maaf die..mcm mane nak teruskan hubungan ni tanpa adanye kepercayaan antara aku dan die..there is no more trust between us…die ckp die x kesah…die nak tebus sume salah die…itu saje…die menyesal sia2 kan aku…dulu dpt bf baik pon die sia2kan jgk…sume nye sbb si KACANG BODOH tu…


Aku tanye die…mane org yg awk sanjung2 tu???now that u are in need…where is she??kalo saye tinggalkan kan awk hari ni, sape nak jage awk???die geleng kepala..kenape la awk x pk sume tu mase buat benda2 ni??skang da kantoi ngan sy senang2 je awk nak sy maafkan..awk tergedik2 kat die dan die pon layan…so kalo skang ni sy tinggalkan awk dan izinkan awk dgn die…die akan jage awk ke??die geleng lagi…kali ni tangisan die makin kuat…


Kepada si KACANG BODOH…aku nak ajar sket ko ni…ko ni umur je 32..tp otak cam hape je…ko ingat ko tu superstar sgt ke???ko ingat sume pompuan tegila2 sgt kat ko..sbb ko tu byk menipu…kalo org tau sape ko, org jijik la!!!ko ckp awek aku tergedik2 kat ko…tp aku tgk ko pon layan..kalo korg nak sgt bersame, aku x kesah…asalkan ko jage die baik2…bukan asik nak ckp psl nafsu ko je!!!ko ade jage makan minum die mcm aku???mane ko mase die sakit 2 hari xbole bangun demam panas…aku ni amik mc 2hari sbb nak jaga die….die interview sampai 6jam aku tunggu…mane ko di saat tu??ko dah puas pi main ntah ngan pompuan sampah mane, ko dah tabor janji2 manis kat sume pompuan…ko nak jadikan gf aku ni mangsa jgk???if u really love her, take a good care of her..if she found someone that can take care of her, let her be..ape lagi yg ko nak?? Ko ade laki, anak 3 ekor,gf pon ade…xbole ke biar aku bahagia ngan die…kalo ye pon die tergedik kat ko, ko kan tau die dgn aku…ko rase die akan tinggal aku utk org cam ko ke???


Kepada gf saye…saye harap awk dah sedar dan insaf…saye harap awk dah bukak mata awk dan nampak siape lebey syg awk…dulu ade bf jauh awk mintak yg dekat…bile dpt yg dekat awk buat mcm ni plak…peluang bukan datang begolek syg…dan bukan selalu peluang tu ade…hargailah org yg syg kite…knape nak kejar org yg tabor janji2 manis kat sume pompuan..pastu bile kecewa ngan pompuan lain baru nak cari awk…konon awk je yg phm die…pls la…die tu nak pepek je…awk pon tau yg die xnak commitment ngan sape2….gf mane yg bole terime ade partner camtu???so the choice is in your hand..if one day she come to me and said that she love u and u love her too, and she will take care of you, I will let u go..ckp ngan die, tolong jadi org yg bertanggung jawab…jgn pandai lontar batu pastu sembunyi tangan…she is the one who initiates the love…pastu she run away just like that and come back whenever she like!! Such a LOOSER!!